seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
