Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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