why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Randomize
