What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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