Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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