just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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