Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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