i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
