the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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