I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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