Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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