connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
