I'm so fucking centered right now
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
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it was like having sex with a tree stump
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
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There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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