Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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