TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Randomize
