I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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