I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
