my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
