forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I love you. Go after that dick
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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