I want to have your abortion
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
