I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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