3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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