an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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