once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
