When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
