why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
