I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
