its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I deserve this hangover.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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