Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
