I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
