genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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