actually, I'm a sock model
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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