What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
