i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
did i walk over a car last night?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
