In the future we'll all be gay
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
