I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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