Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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