you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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