just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
