We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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