You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
