i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
