Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
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hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
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That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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