my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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