I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
