yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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