why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
