That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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