the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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