HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
