That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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