Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
